a celebration of life, love and humanity…

GREETINGS

Mr. Eduardo and Mrs. Trinidad Martinez,
The members of the Board of Trustees of Butuan City Colleges,
  chaired by Mrs. Josephine Martinez Zuñiga,
School President, Mrs. Remedios Martinez Famador,
School Administrative Officer, Mrs. Elizabeth Martinez Rosales,
The Heads of the different Academic Departments and faculty of Butuan City Colleges,
To our dear parents and guests,
And especially to our dear graduates,
   who will come down in history as Batch 2008
A pleasant evening to each one! Maayong gabii sa inyong tanan!

TO SPEAK AS SOMEONE AMONG YOU

It was with great hesitation that I accepted this invitation to speak before you tonight. And as I was going up the stage, I felt my knees shaking. I am overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness as usually graduation speakers are credible, established and known personalities in their respective fields. I am neither a politician nor a showbiz personality. I am not (yet) a wise old professor or a prominent social worker. I am but a normal seminarian who is nearing ordination and who just happens to be the apo, son and nephew of our dear administrators. How can I possibly say no?!

I remember the words of the prophet Jeremiah when the Lord asked him to be a prophet, to speak in behalf of the Lord, to the whole kingdom of Israel. He said: “Ay ginuo! Pastilanan! I know not how to speak; I am too young!” But the Lord answered him: “Do not fear, I shall put My words into your mouth.” And that gave me courage. What a relief! Indeed, it is my hope that God speaks to you, through me, for only His words could bring spirit and life.

And maybe, just like the young Jeremiah, the invitation for me this evening is to speak to you as someone among you. Not as someone who is above or ahead of you, but as someone among you, with you, walking beside you. Yes! I am still young. Pagbigyan niyo na ako! Some even still mistake me for a college student though I am already 28. Still relatively young. And so I speak to you as a young person, oozing with idealism, energy, dreams and hopes, also about to be missioned to the real world of struggles and difficulties, of responsibilities and commitments. And maybe by speaking in such a manner, as someone among you, I would make more sense and be more relevant.

Allow me to share with you three words for tonight. Yes, just three! First, a word of congratulations and thanks. Second, a word of challenge. And lastly, a word of hope.

A WORD OF CONGRATULATIONS AND THANKS

First thing’s first. Congratulations to each and everyone of you. Why don’t we all give the graduating batch of 2008 a big hand!

Wow! Look at you! Look around you! This is it! This is something! You made it! After all the years of hard work, you have finally achieved your goal, your dream, your family’s dream. And I think that is something worth celebrating. I salute you!

But every time we applaud graduates, we should not forget to applaud their parents, guardians and teachers as well. Graduates, it is now your turn to clap for them, they who have sacrificed a lot for you to get where you are now. Daghang salamat po sa inyong tanan!
Wow! Again I use that word because that’s how I feel. It’s overwhelming. I feel astonished. Because despite the commonness of graduations, there is something astounding about them. If you think about it, graduations are like little miracles unraveling before our eyes.

Who would ever think that you would get here? For some, this might have been an illusion at the start. We look back at our years of study and we’ve probably met so many discouragements, disappointments and failures. But you are here right now. Just a few minutes away from getting that prized diploma, your passport to a better future for you and for your family.

And so as you celebrate your own success, please do not forget to be thankful for this gift of education. Take time to remember all those persons who helped you, supported you and believed in you. We also thank the Lord for his providence and the grace of graduation, because really, it could have been otherwise. You could have been that classmate who dropped out because of low grades, poverty, the wrong barkada or drugs. But you are not. You are here! God and the world conspired for you to be here. And so I invite you to proceed through this evening with overflowing and grateful hearts because that makes a difference. Remembering how blessed we are, all the gifts we have received, brings about a grateful, humble and committed existence.

Again congratulations to each one, and from the depths of our hearts, we reverently say thank you, thank you, thank you!

A WORD OF CHALLENGE

How come we call graduation rites commencement exercises? Are we not ending something during graduation? If so, why do we call it commencement?

We call it commencement because every end is a beginning. As you close the door of school, you immediately and instantaneously enter the realm of the unemployed waiting for a job. There is no gap. Walang pahinga actually. Your education brings you to new frontiers and opens greater possibilities. As you say goodbye and turn yet another page of your life, you find yourself already writing a new chapter.

And to a certain extent, it is quite frightening to leave the familiar and brave the foreign. Especially looking at the situation into which we shall be thrust, it really needs a lot of guts. The uncertainty of employment; the socio-political crises our country and government has been facing: Hello Garci! Sumilao farmers and NBN ZTE controversies; the very concrete and impinging reality of poverty and injustice, the ever pervading problems of abuses and different perversions among the youth. Etc. etc. etc. There are just so many that contribute to the darkness, the gloom, the cold loneliness of this world. It is sometimes very disheartening and discouraging, especially when things seem to be utterly hopeless. But we have a choice, will we just accept them and suffer them? Be mere victims? Or will we do something about them? Pro-actively fighting them the best way we can?

This is where we will find ourselves in the next few months. And this is the consequence of being adults. Indeed, sometimes it is better to be kids, to just play around and have a good time. Happy go lucky! No worries! Hakuna matata! Kain-tulog-aral lang.

But we are no longer kids. We are already adults. And as adults, the orbit and the way we live our lives will necessarily change. We are now called to expand and stretch ourselves beyond our personal and petty concerns; to take responsibility and be accountable in life and at home; to be dependable and counted upon by the people around; to contribute something substantial to the community at large. As adults, as educated adults, we have the responsibility to be active agents of renewal and change.

And so I exhort you, dear graduates, to three challenges: First, to honesty and integrity. Second, to find your own voice. And third, not to play small and have passion.

Integrity and Honesty. If you look around, there is so much lies and untruth. People, systems and values are broken. There is a lacuna or a void for integrity and honesty. Minsan, garapalan na talaga! What’s worse, integrity and honesty are not only frowned at and considered to be uncool. Rather, they are even persecuted and suppressed. And yet, we can make a difference. We can change that in our own little ways, in our own spheres of influence. The question is, are we willing to?

Find your Own Voice. Each of us is unique. We were created so. No two persons have the same thumb print. You, yes you, you are one in a billion and there will be no one else like you who will walk the face of this earth. That’s how God designed it. And so your very being is your contribution to this world. If we can be likened to colors, each person is a particular hue, a particular shade of blue, red, green, yellow, etc. We should make that come out. We should make a mark and make our color stand out, noticed, and appreciated. We should make our existence be heard, and hopefully for positive reasons. Ask yourselves: what would make my life speak? Do not only love what you do, also, do what you love.

Passion: Don’t Play Small. And once you’ve discovered your voice, sing as if no one’s listening. Share it! Don’t be shy! The world deserves to hear it because the creator intended it to be heard. And no one else is capable of singing it the way you do. Passion! Fire! Blazing flames of gifts, talents, creativity and goodness that will consume the world.

It is in this light that I would like to share with you this very striking quote from Coach Carter which is attributed to the great Nelson Mandela. Coach Carter, a basketball coach of a small high school for poor black students, asked one of his stubborn and disturbed players: “What is your deepest fear?” This was the player’s answer. May we all reflect upon it and take it to heart:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,
Gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that
Other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

Carpe diem! Seize the day! Grab opportunities to make a difference and be the change you want to see! This is how it is to be young adults! And I think it is pretty damn exciting! We help each other in our pursuit for honesty and integrity, in finding our own voice, and in not playing small.

A WORD OF HOPE

Now, let me share something more personal.

Just two weeks ago, in front of my family and co-seminarians, I had a bishop wear this ring on me. You see it? Ang ganda di ba? Ang kinang-kinang! Right after the ceremony though, I suddenly suffered a major, major headache. And I was kidding with my co-seminarians: “Negative reaction ata ito ng katawan ko sa singsing ah!” You know what this ring stands for? This ring means that I have committed not to get married for all eternity. This ring reminds me that I will never get married, ever. At kung minsan, nakakasakit talaga ng ulo isipin yun. Parang ang bilis kasi ng mga pangyayari! Bigla na lang ganun! Di ko namalayan nakapag-commit na pala ako.

Don’t get me wrong though. I have no regrets. At least, not yet. Mahirap magsalita nang tapos. And yet I think this is what we, as graduates, as adults are called to. We are called to commitment. We are called to commitment that is willing to sacrifice. We are called to commit to the things we love and value to the point of dying to ourselves. To be able to give up certain things, to sacrifice, because you believe in something and value something that is worth it all. This ring does not just mean I will never get married. This ring means that I love God enough and I am willing to offer myself to him, even if that means I’ll never have a wife and kids. To commit. To commit to our values, our dreams, our holy desires for ourselves, our family and our country. Not counting the cost. No matter what the consequences. To offer something to give life. To be broken in order to be shared.

What do you value? What will you commit your life to and waste your youth on? I hope it is something worth while. Invest your idealism, creativity and energy in something of value. Huwag sayangin. Kung walang dahilan ang ating mga ginagawa, walang saysay. Find that meaning. Find that purpose. And live deliberately in pursuit of it. Maybe then, just maybe, life and sacrifices would be more meaningful, intentional and fulfilling.

We are young and full of hope, we are creative and imaginative, we need to dream dreams for some of our elders who have gone tired and hopeless. We are the youth of yesterday’s dream. The promise of the future we bring. The world is watching. What do you have to offer? We owe it to the world to make this world a better place. Our education serves a purpose. It is meant to empower us to work for the good.

And thus, this word of hope is not for you dear graduates. Because you are that word of hope. We are that word of hope, to our families, to our communities, to our country. Let’s make it happen! People are counting on us.

LIWANAG SA DILIM

And so I would like to end by reading to you the lyrics of a hopefully familiar song by Rivermaya… As I was preparing this speech, I was listening to it, and my spirit was lifted up. The melody and the lyrics just blend so well that they kind of invite you to join their dream, to take on the challenge! May this be our song for each other as we leave this venue as graduates of Batch 2008… Listen as if the song was made for you… Let us sing it, live it…

Ituring ang iyong sariling tagahawi ng ulap sa kalangitang kulimlim
Kampanang yayanig sa bawat nilalang magigising ang lupang kulang sa dilig
Ikaw ang magsasabing: “Kaya mo to!”
Tulad ng isang tanglaw sa gitna ng bagyo

Isigaw mo sa hangin, tumindig at magsilbing
Liwanag, liwanag sa dilim
Harapin mong magiting ang bagong awitin
Ikaw ang liwanag sa dilim

At sa paghamon mo sa agos ng ating kasaysayan
Uukit ka ng bagong daan
Ikaw ang aawit ng: “Kaya mo ‘to!”
‘Sang panalangin sa gitna ng gulo

Isigaw mo sa hangin,tumindig at magsilbing
Liwanag, liwanag sa dilim
Harapin mong magiting ang bagong awitin
Ikaw ang liwanag
Liwanag
Liwanag sa dilim

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same… And if we shine together, what a brighter world it will be… I finally end with the poignant closing words of the film I Am Legend: “Bring light into the darkness…”

Thank you and good evening!

just stumbled upon this song while sifting through mp3s… love the song! not only the lyrics, but also the hopeful spirit it conveys… that despite the fleeting realities in life, not everything necessarily has to change… try to find time to listen to it… very uplifting…

——————————-

"It Don’t Have To Change"
(feat. The Stephens Family)

Oh do you remember (ooh)
When the family was everything? (ooh)
Oh do you remember? (ooh)
It was so long ago and so much has changed (ooh)
I wanna go back (go back…ooh)
Wanna go back to those simple days (ooh)
I wanna go back (go back…ooh)
But now we’ve grown and gone our separate ways (aah)

Times is hard (times is hard)
And things are a changin’
I pray to God
That we can remain the same
All I’m trying to say is our love don’t have to change
No it don’t have to change

Do you remember (ooh)
Back at Grannie’s house on Christmas Day? (ooh)
Help me sing… Do you remember (ooh)
How we’d gather ’round and sing all day? (ooh)
I wanna go back (go back…ooh)
To playing basketball and football games I wanna go back (go back…ooh)
To yesterday but it’s not the same

Times is hard (times is hard)
And things are a changin’
I pray to God That we can remain the same
All I’m trying to say is our love don’t have to change
No it don’t have to change

Times is hard (times is hard)
And things are a changin’
So I pray to God
That we can remain the same
All I’m trying to say is our love don’t have to change
No it don’t have to change

What to say? When even one religious experience is simply beyond all telling. And yet, kailangan pa ring sabihin ang masasabi.

Stranger God. My retreat started on the wrong foot. On the eve of the long retreat, I learned that my mom just underwent an emergency operation, and that the uterus they removed from her was cancerous. I would enter the retreat not only with all the dread, uncertainty and fears associated with this disease, but worse, with a God who all of sudden became a stranger to me—someone I suddenly did not know anymore. How was I supposed to spend the next 30 days, 5 hours a day, with this stranger God?

But just like anything wrong or ugly that has been touched and embraced by God, my retreat turned out o be quite all right, and oh so beautiful!

Two Roles. In my contemplations, I would take on two major roles. First as the jealous, insecure, and affirmation/affection-seeker childhood friend of Jesus (whom he left with Mary in Galilee for his public ministry), and second, as a complainer and conditional disciple named John—both exhibiting quite accurately my most deep-seated issues and wounds. Both were self-preoccupied, self-absorbed, leaving them unable to give and love genuinely.

By accompanying Jesus, John the disciple would be formed. After being scolded at by Jesus before the calming of the storm, he would eventually learn how to follow without condition and do things with love. In the passion, he would transform from a coward and self-preserving person to someone courageous enough to stand up for he whom he loved. The childhood friend would however be a different story. I was content and confident to finish my retreat as the formed and re-formed John. May nangyari kasi sa kanya e! But to my surprise, during the resurrection experiences, it would be the issue-laden and deeply-wounded childhood friend who would come into focus with Jesus. The relationship of the two would be the story of my resurrection week.

Fourth Week. Ironically, during this last week of the Exercises that was supposed to filled with intense gladness and rejoicing, I cried a lot—so much so that Eva would question me: Iyak ka ng iyak diyan! Natanggap mo ba ang grasya? Sumagot naman ako: Oo naman! Tears of joy! Yes indeed. The tears were not sorrowful, mournful or heavy. They were tears of deep content and satisfaction, of peace and of overflowing love. Yun bang klase ng iyak na heartwarming! Ang sarap sarap!

When Jesus appeared to this very insecure, possessive and jealous childhood friend, this Jayvee made a scene while fixing the table for dinner. “Hanggang ngayon ba naman sila pa rin ang inaasikaso mo! Paano naman kami! Paano naman ako! Lintik na ministry yan o!” To my surprise, Jesus got angry at me (this was the resurrected Christ ha!) and asked me: “Ano ba talaga ang gusto mong mangyari sa buhay mo Jayvee?” Seeing his frustration at me, I replied: “Hindi ko naman kasalanang ganito ako ha!” He said: “Hindi ko sinasabing kasalanan mo! Tinatanong ko kung anong gusto mong mangyari.” Tapos sinabi ko: “Pagaling ka ng pagaling sa iba diyan, ako di mo mapagaling!” Surprised, he asked with great concern: “Gusto mo ba?” He then opened his arms for an embrace—the invitation to healing. While crying hard, with head bowed down, I ran towards him to embrace him! And he healed me.

During my IC, Eva helped me uncover the reason why I asked for Jesus’ healing. And then it hit me. I did not ask for healing for healing’s sake. I did not ask for healing just for myself. There was really no other reason but because of the fact that my woundedness was already hurting Jesus and affecting our relationship—and I did not want any of that! She told me: di ba nagmahal ka doon? And true enough, I did. Parang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig, nakakakilabot, I saw clearly how the retreat has changed me—kaya ko na unahin yung iba kaysa sa sarili ko. Marunong na ulit akong magmahal—something I thought I was doomed never to learn.

When he was about to ascend, I was already feeling the sadness of being left by him once and for all. I volunteered to his ministry to be one of his disciples. While he was praying over me, some sort of an ordination, deep inside I was telling myself: “I want to remember you! And if this is the only way I can remember you, I will do it with all my heart.” Then I realized that ministry is never just about ministry. I do ministry primarily because by doing it I will be able to remember Jesus. Now, my seminary formation is not just about seminary formation! It is about and for relationship—opportunities to keep the memory of Jesus alive. I choose to love and do good because it enlivens Jesus in my heart. Naaalala ko siya sa bawat akto ng masakit na pagmamahal. Nothing more, nothing less.

Semi-conclusion. How is it possible that in just a month’s time a stranger-God suddenly becomes an immortal beloved? It could only be because of grace! God’s self-giving, God reaching out, running to embrace us at our slightest indication that we want to move closer to Him. And embraced I was! So tightly, yet so tenderly. So real and warm.

And the irony of it all is that, as we give our all to this relationship, we in turn receive much much more. After the breakfast at Lake Tiberias that he so thoughtfully prepared for us, I went to the shore to watch the sunrise. Jesus followed me and joined me to view the spectacle of the horizon. He says: “Ang ganda no?” and I reply: “Ang ganda talaga!” referring really to the beauty of his person and how he has changed my life in relationship. Only to realize, after zooming out of that scene, that he has just fulfilled one of my heart’s deepest longings—two friends watching the sunrise by the shore, mostly in silence but with comfortable assurance of each other’s love and presence, sharing in something beautiful.

Conclusion. What now after the retreat? I still don’t know. I guess I have to live it a day at a time. Kaya ba? My realism questions me. Then I remember those who came before me. I look no farther than my BECmates. Fr. Bong V (fresh from Iloilo), Rev. Kopeck and no less than beadle Rey. I remember them, and I smile. I remember their classmates too, and my smile grows bigger. I smile and tell myself with confident hope: “Kaya naman pala e!” Not without any struggle of course! But realizing too the very act struggling is an act of loving. That being bothered about one’s life is evidence that life is lived with and for someone else and no longer by and for one’s self.

Kaya siguro may testimonial dinner. Para ipaalala sa ating mga nakakalimot ang nangyari sa atin sa long retreat. And so, as early as now, I look forward to the testimonies of a Yon Maybuena or an Evan Napuran around this time next year—to take me back to this night when I testified to all of you (despite possible persecution and amidst all its kabaduyan) that I am in a relationship, and that I love the Lord.

For the college men and lower classmen, no need to wait for the long retreat really to be in a relationship with Jesus. Open your eyes, listen intently to the voice that calls within: “Halika! Halika! Nauunawaan kita. Halika! Halika!” And life would never be the same again. Amen.

Collective Conscience. CPE is not only a personal journey. It is also a communal one. This is one of the things that hit me last week. Breaking patterns and managing tendencies are resolutions I do not only owe myself, but others as well. Insofar as my classmates painfully journeyed with me during my processing, I owe it to them to fix my life accordingly. Insofar as I helped my classmates in their respective processing, they owe me a better take on their own lives.

Accountability! That sums it up! After CPE, I feel more than ever that I am accountable to my classmates. I am responsible, to a certain extent, for the quality of the lives they live. By pushing our naked selves to the public sphere, we are put in the spotlight. Yes, it is a burden to live with others looking after you. There is some pressure. We can’t just do anything and everything we want because we know that there are people watching. But, from a more positive perspective, it is also reassuring and heartwarming to know that there are people who sincerely and compassionately watch after my every step for me not to fall again into the manholes I have fallen into before. And if ever I do, I am affirmative that they will stretch out their hands to pull me out again, accompanying me with great concern in my standing up.

Our relationship as a class will never be the same again. We are now really and officially brothers.

Recovering Relationships. I think Rey Amora is justified in seeing me as a Three in the Enneagram, as an achiever. During my last processing, I was blessed to realize that I put priority to work more than relationships. And that has to change.

I think I got this from the corporate world! I guess there is really truth in the saying that when you work in the corporate world, its values and disvalues will really rub on you. And this is one of its side-effects. Yes, efficiency and professionalism get things done, things that are duly appreciated and valued. But in the process, I might have hurt or sidelined people’s feelings and concerns.

With the help of my classmates I saw that the key to this problem is to reinstate relationships to its proper place. To realize that relationships are as important, or even more important, than work and getting things done. Or maybe there is really no conflict. I can still be my efficient and professional self, but now more conscientious about and sensitive to its effects on relationships I value.

Living it Out. How is CPE different from the other modules in the SPFY? It gives greater stress on the application, offering a greater challenge to live out in real life the things seen and heard. “Hindi na pwede yan!” is the resounding refrain I always hear whenever I feel inclined to my identified tendencies. It is as if a mini Sr. Mercia is embedded already at the back of my mind, in the depths of my heart. In this sense, she is my newly acquired nagger-angel. And believe me, it is very effective!

Boy is it difficult! But, come to think of it, what is difficult for someone who does things out of love? Nothing. Kakayanin lahat kasi nga nagmamahal. I know why I am doing all these. I know for Who all these painful changes and sacrifices are. And I know deep in my heart that He is worth it! Thus, I have no excuses… I will never have any because it is my awesome God I am in love with…

Exhaustion! I think CPE has finally taken its toll on me. EXHAUSTED! That’s how I feel now about the week that was. I don’t know why, but somehow, my energy level for patient visitation is not as high this week compared to the previous weeks. If before I was enthusiastic about visitation, even maximizing my time in the wards, last week, I felt that my gusto was depleted leaving me to become a minimalist. Visitation has become a burden that I feel I have to drag myself to.

Given my physical health and condition, I knew that this would come sooner or later. But I am surprised that I am also exhausted emotionally and psychologically. Even though I had a good rest the previous night and a lengthy siesta, still I was not always in the mood to visit and interact with patients. I just had little energy. I can’t explain it. That is just how I felt.

Probably, there was something happening inside me that needed attention too. I needed time and space to visit, attend to and interact with my interiority. And I continue to feel it now. I guess it is an intrinsic part of the deal, a part of the journey.

This is but one month of doing ministry. Imagine doing a lifetime of it as a priest. I get exhausted just by thinking about it! My reasons for pursuing this ministry should really be more than all the exhaustion that would come my way for me to be able to sustain it, to wake up each morning and say: “Yes! Another day of ministry!” HE really should be worth it! And that I can only know and feel thru constant prayer and connection with Him who cannot be outdone in loving. To deepen my relationship with God is to eternally fan the burning coal of my love for Him—my fuel for a lifelong ministry.

Illusion! How can you say goodbye and let go of something so beautiful? Of something that has affirmed your existence as the most important reality on earth?

Easy! Just realize that it is no longer true. An illusion! A fairy tale! A dream!

Everything will crumble, yes. Your identity will break and scatter as the locus of your meaning has been nullified. But this is the only way. This is the only way one can live in the present—life as it is now—to live in reality.

No wonder, waking up in the morning is not always the best feeling in the world. Sometimes it is worse than hell. But you have to wake up because that is how the world works! That is how it was designed to work! That is how our genius and loving God designed it!

It might be helpful and doable if we refrain from making the act of waking up the focus. Probably the focus should be that it is a new day—a new day that could offer experiences just as good or even better than what yesterday has offered.

Lifestyle Check. Since Day One I have been exposed to the realities of poverty in the PGH charity wards—patients who have not taken medication for x number of days because they could no longer buy the expensive antibiotics, leaving their wounds fresh and open to infection; attendants who eat only once a day because the only money they are holding on to is less than fifty pesos just enough to get them home and mobile to source more funds; families who mortgaged their house and lot as collateral to the hospital as they could no longer pay for the enormous bills that accumulated; necessary operations postponed or cancelled because the prescribed materials and medicines could not be bought etc. etc.

But what struck me most during this past week was the 24 hour manual pumping of respirator bags by attendants to provide needed air to their patients’ lungs. I saw this in Ward 3 and later in the evening during my night duty at the ER. Wow! I was impressed by the love of the attendants for their patients. But, with the same degree, I was depressed that they could not afford at all something that was for me relatively affordable and disposable. My God! I have been introspecting since that incident about my attitude towards money and my tendency towards consumerism, materialism and food-ism. The scene was revolting and I was really put to shame. I have to review my life in the light of these realities. Some changes have to be done.

Relationship 101. I no longer know how to relate. This is what came out during my last processing. Being fixated with a particular kind of friendship, unconsciously and subtly, I was controlling or, should I say, limiting relationships according to that to which I am fixated with. I did not want to be vulnerable to the other. Everything was according to my own terms, what was convenient and easy for me, what I think and feel and not really taking into account the other’s say and what he or she brings into the relationship. It was all about me, selfish me! No wonder I feel unloved. I control and expect, forgetting that I can only be surprised and satisfied if it is freely and spontaneously given by the generous creativity of an other’s love for me. Then I harp on the constant chorus of my life: “But no one loves me. No one will ever love me because I am unlovable.” Holding on to this thesis just brings in a multitude of complications.

I just came out of a movie (which I never thought I would learn something from) and somehow could not forget a line towards the end. The girl told the guy: “Whoever said you were unworthy of love? You hide under that excuse! No wonder you are afraid to love as well!” The key to all this is just to do it. To love! Loving is one of the crafts you learn only by doing. But I should break from the paradigm I have been holding on to for almost half my life now. It no longer exists. It is a fiction of memory’s nostalgia. As Sr. Mercia often says: “Hindi na pwede! Wasakin mo yan!” And hopefully, things will fall into place when I already allow someone to be really present in my life, to affect me.

Please be there to catch me when I fall…

God’s Work. CPE has really been a grace-filled experience so far individually and as a class. We are not exactly the same persons we were when we started three weeks ago. We are also not exactly the same Baktas Class anymore. We even got better!

Personally, deeper self knowledge brings unbelievable inner peace due to radical self-acceptance resulting to potent and powerful freedom to choose and change. Interpersonally, lives have interconnected, histories and futures have intertwined.

All these could only have happened because Someone else was working on us, journeying with us. I can feel it! I can feel God’s grace at work! It is very palpable, very real! It is very powerful! Thanks be to God!

Hospital of our Souls. Now I understand why CPE is done in the hospital context. Aside from providing the atmosphere conducive for intensive processing and the raw data needed for such activity, there is a subtle parallelism between what we do to the patients and what is done to us by our classmates and our "head surgeon." The conference room where we stay in the Chaplaincy is the operating table where we lay down our very selves, our naked and truest selves, to be examined and treated. The only difference is that there is no anesthesia this time and the operating table can feel very cold. It is, in fact, very very painful.

But though this is the case, the predominant feeling in me is more of gratitude. First, because we are given the opportunity to finally treat the wounds life has inflicted upon us; second, because there are people who generously and genuinely care enough to waste time and energy to look at us, to help us; third, because we are empowered, little by little, to pick up our stretchers and walk; and fourth, because of grace abounding—God making himself present, wanting to be in the picture of our healing process.

A Faith that moves Mountains. All the while I thought processing just involved me and my psyche, and that God will only come in during the long retreat. But I realize this past week that this God does not like being left out. He wants to know every single detail and the latest updates about me. And not only know, but actually be there with and for me every step of this painful way. He wants me to feel that he is beside me. That’s how much he gives a damn.

And yet, my faith in his changing love and power is still lacking. Given the issues that came out during my first processing (I’m completely clueless what else will come out in the following ones), I felt I was a hopeless case—that even God cannot do anything about me. But I realized the patients were teaching me concretely what faith in God really means and what it takes. Through the very true stories of their lives and struggles, they have been teaching me all this while to trust in him with all of my heart. Na itaya ang lahat lahat, ang buhay at ang bukas, sa gitna ng kawalan ng anumang pag-asa, dahil may tiwala—na karapat-dapat siyang pagkatiwalaan. Their faith has moved mountains, and that invites me to believe that my faith can move the mountains of my weaknesses too. And I’m sure that he has something to do about this realization too! What love!

Haunting Issues. But journeying with God does not guarantee an easy and smooth sailing journey. Still, personal issues continued to be triggered this past week. I felt hurt and robbed when four of my Ward 8 patients were suddenly no longer in their beds. I felt there was no closure, that they needed to hear my goodbye. But that is not the case. They don’t need me to say goodbye to them. Life goes on for them even without me. I am dispensable. To complement this are some fresh Ward 3 rejections and patients’ low energy towards me. I forget that they are not there for me. I am there for them.

Chin up! This somehow encapsulates the beauty of CPE processing for me. Not really to be proud that I am wounded and limited, but to move my chin up and to look towards the heavens, to look up to God and offer my present self, good and bad. For it is only through his loving eyes that we can appreciate, see and claim the beauty of our lives (despite appearances). Only by realizing that we are loved can we move on meaningfully through life. And when we know we are loved, isn’t the world just a damn good place to live in. Everything changes when we know we are loved. I know I am.

How shall I sing to God
When life is filled with bleakness
Empty and chill
Breaking my will

God’s Imperfect Creation. God’s creative power and flawless genius is overrated! This was and continues to be the theme of my first week in PGH. After being exposed to the different cases in the Ortho Ward (to think that is just one ward!), how can I still possibly believe with conviction what we were so convincingly and conveniently taught in theology that God created us out of love and that he exclaimed “very good!” after creating man?

Where is the love? Does not love make everything right and perfect?! His “very good” standard is certainly low, sub-standard at best. Maybe he should not have rushed the creation of the world. He probably should have spent more than seven days in order to carefully design everything. Maybe then I could believe that he was lovingly creating us.

Or maybe he was. He just stopped loving, caring and giving a damn after. What a father!

Sometimes the default and sound theological explanation is to blame human freedom and error in judgment, and for those with new age bents, fate, the arrangement of the stars or their birth sign horoscope for the day. But I believe there are just some things that can justifiably be attributed to this feeling-perfect God!

I have been picking a fight with God this past week asking him to explain all these “anomalies” vis-à-vis his perfect creation-loving creator thesis. Not once have I stepped out of the ward after talking to a patient in order to take a breather to look up to the heavens with teary eyes and a very agitated heart to shout “WHY?” from my innermost recesses and to curse God in order to catch his attention.

So far he has been silent. I’m sure he’s rattled trying to find answers!

Sickness and Life. Sickness sucks life out of people. Aside from the obvious depletion of physical life, resulting to weakness and degeneration, I also see how sickness sucks out life taken in its general sense.

Sickness not only sucks out life from the patient, but also from the loved ones, relatives and friends, surrounding, worrying about and attending to them. When one is seriously ill, life cannot just go on normally for the rest as if nothing happened. Life stops for parents when their newborn depends on a respirator for his life. The quality of life of children lowers when the only breadwinner gets disabled by a vehicular accident. Life is radically altered by the anxiety of having a sick member of the family.

Illness also sucks out life in the financial/material sense. Family funds and savings, if any, are literally drained to support a sick patient’s medications and treatments. Most in PGH even borrow money, pulling them deeper into the pit of the difficult life of being in debt.

It also sucks out life from both patients and their families because sometimes it is just too difficult, and at times, even impossible to hope given the facts and circumstances facing and impinging on them.

No wonder visitation of patients is so draining. It sucks out life from me too, leaving me exhausted and tired after a whole day of interacting with them.

How could a God of life and love allow all these to happen? Why is death, that is, life sucked out, all around? I really think he is overrated.

Life-giving Ministry – A Divine Intervention. However, in the three instances I was so moved to pray over patients and their attendants, it was his name I still called upon. How come? Why the continued faith despite the hard facts?

While walking the aisles of PGH, I also witnessed little life-giving miracles. There are realities in PGH that fight the life-sucking reign of death brought about by sickness. Attendants transcending comforts to give comfort, a cellphone call from a sister in Albay bringing a priceless smile to a four year old patient, a wife’s loving and concerned stroking of her husband’s head, doctors operating for free and giving free medicines to needy patients, social workers working the rounds to be of help as much as possible—all these sacrifices give life.

Being super-human, that is, to be more than we usually or comfortably are, for the sake of an-other is the divine working in and thru us. There might just be truth in the biblical verse saying that we were created in the image and likeness of God. When we love, care, and show concern, we go beyond our humanity and reflect God.

God is still here, in this bleak situation, after all. He is in all of us, working thru us. We have the responsibility to further care for and give life to creation amidst the culture of death surrounding us. Wow! I think he just answered my questions, pointing to me and saying: “You are there for a reason!”

In addition to this, I also have my own rich and sure deposit of God-experiences I am able to withdraw from whenever my faith is challenged. Even though I have been shaken by what I have seen (so far) in PGH, I am able to hold on firmly, though not without any struggles, to my God’s faithful and indomitable love, firm enough to share the same conviction to the patients I visit.

And so it is still rational to hope and trust the God of life, despite contrary and conclusive evidence that leads me to believe otherwise.

I’ll sing thru my pain
Angrily or aching
Crying or complaining
This is my song
I’ll sing it with love

"The intersubjective relation is a non-symmetrical relation. In this sense, I am responsible for the Other without waiting for reciprocity, were I to die for it. Reciprocity is his affair."

(Ethics and Infinity, 98)

to immortalize one’s thoughts in writing…
is one’s greatest contribution to humanity…
to share what is in our heart of hearts…
is to lead an-other to his…

—
Di maiiwasan na magtulungan tayo sa larangan ng
pag-uunawa. Nagsasabog tayo ng liwanag at dilim.
Mabuting unawain ang pag-uunawa nang matuto
tayong mangilatis sa liwanag at dilim, at nang
mapagsikapan nating magsabog ng liwanag sa abot
ng ating kaya. Marami ang tulong na maidudulot
natin sa isa’t isa sa larangan ng pag-uunawa.

Roque Ferriols, SJ