a celebration of life, love and humanity…

Hospital of our Souls. Now I understand why CPE is done in the hospital context. Aside from providing the atmosphere conducive for intensive processing and the raw data needed for such activity, there is a subtle parallelism between what we do to the patients and what is done to us by our classmates and our "head surgeon." The conference room where we stay in the Chaplaincy is the operating table where we lay down our very selves, our naked and truest selves, to be examined and treated. The only difference is that there is no anesthesia this time and the operating table can feel very cold. It is, in fact, very very painful.

But though this is the case, the predominant feeling in me is more of gratitude. First, because we are given the opportunity to finally treat the wounds life has inflicted upon us; second, because there are people who generously and genuinely care enough to waste time and energy to look at us, to help us; third, because we are empowered, little by little, to pick up our stretchers and walk; and fourth, because of grace abounding—God making himself present, wanting to be in the picture of our healing process.

A Faith that moves Mountains. All the while I thought processing just involved me and my psyche, and that God will only come in during the long retreat. But I realize this past week that this God does not like being left out. He wants to know every single detail and the latest updates about me. And not only know, but actually be there with and for me every step of this painful way. He wants me to feel that he is beside me. That’s how much he gives a damn.

And yet, my faith in his changing love and power is still lacking. Given the issues that came out during my first processing (I’m completely clueless what else will come out in the following ones), I felt I was a hopeless case—that even God cannot do anything about me. But I realized the patients were teaching me concretely what faith in God really means and what it takes. Through the very true stories of their lives and struggles, they have been teaching me all this while to trust in him with all of my heart. Na itaya ang lahat lahat, ang buhay at ang bukas, sa gitna ng kawalan ng anumang pag-asa, dahil may tiwala—na karapat-dapat siyang pagkatiwalaan. Their faith has moved mountains, and that invites me to believe that my faith can move the mountains of my weaknesses too. And I’m sure that he has something to do about this realization too! What love!

Haunting Issues. But journeying with God does not guarantee an easy and smooth sailing journey. Still, personal issues continued to be triggered this past week. I felt hurt and robbed when four of my Ward 8 patients were suddenly no longer in their beds. I felt there was no closure, that they needed to hear my goodbye. But that is not the case. They don’t need me to say goodbye to them. Life goes on for them even without me. I am dispensable. To complement this are some fresh Ward 3 rejections and patients’ low energy towards me. I forget that they are not there for me. I am there for them.

Chin up! This somehow encapsulates the beauty of CPE processing for me. Not really to be proud that I am wounded and limited, but to move my chin up and to look towards the heavens, to look up to God and offer my present self, good and bad. For it is only through his loving eyes that we can appreciate, see and claim the beauty of our lives (despite appearances). Only by realizing that we are loved can we move on meaningfully through life. And when we know we are loved, isn’t the world just a damn good place to live in. Everything changes when we know we are loved. I know I am.

How shall I sing to God
When life is filled with bleakness
Empty and chill
Breaking my will

God’s Imperfect Creation. God’s creative power and flawless genius is overrated! This was and continues to be the theme of my first week in PGH. After being exposed to the different cases in the Ortho Ward (to think that is just one ward!), how can I still possibly believe with conviction what we were so convincingly and conveniently taught in theology that God created us out of love and that he exclaimed “very good!” after creating man?

Where is the love? Does not love make everything right and perfect?! His “very good” standard is certainly low, sub-standard at best. Maybe he should not have rushed the creation of the world. He probably should have spent more than seven days in order to carefully design everything. Maybe then I could believe that he was lovingly creating us.

Or maybe he was. He just stopped loving, caring and giving a damn after. What a father!

Sometimes the default and sound theological explanation is to blame human freedom and error in judgment, and for those with new age bents, fate, the arrangement of the stars or their birth sign horoscope for the day. But I believe there are just some things that can justifiably be attributed to this feeling-perfect God!

I have been picking a fight with God this past week asking him to explain all these “anomalies” vis-à-vis his perfect creation-loving creator thesis. Not once have I stepped out of the ward after talking to a patient in order to take a breather to look up to the heavens with teary eyes and a very agitated heart to shout “WHY?” from my innermost recesses and to curse God in order to catch his attention.

So far he has been silent. I’m sure he’s rattled trying to find answers!

Sickness and Life. Sickness sucks life out of people. Aside from the obvious depletion of physical life, resulting to weakness and degeneration, I also see how sickness sucks out life taken in its general sense.

Sickness not only sucks out life from the patient, but also from the loved ones, relatives and friends, surrounding, worrying about and attending to them. When one is seriously ill, life cannot just go on normally for the rest as if nothing happened. Life stops for parents when their newborn depends on a respirator for his life. The quality of life of children lowers when the only breadwinner gets disabled by a vehicular accident. Life is radically altered by the anxiety of having a sick member of the family.

Illness also sucks out life in the financial/material sense. Family funds and savings, if any, are literally drained to support a sick patient’s medications and treatments. Most in PGH even borrow money, pulling them deeper into the pit of the difficult life of being in debt.

It also sucks out life from both patients and their families because sometimes it is just too difficult, and at times, even impossible to hope given the facts and circumstances facing and impinging on them.

No wonder visitation of patients is so draining. It sucks out life from me too, leaving me exhausted and tired after a whole day of interacting with them.

How could a God of life and love allow all these to happen? Why is death, that is, life sucked out, all around? I really think he is overrated.

Life-giving Ministry – A Divine Intervention. However, in the three instances I was so moved to pray over patients and their attendants, it was his name I still called upon. How come? Why the continued faith despite the hard facts?

While walking the aisles of PGH, I also witnessed little life-giving miracles. There are realities in PGH that fight the life-sucking reign of death brought about by sickness. Attendants transcending comforts to give comfort, a cellphone call from a sister in Albay bringing a priceless smile to a four year old patient, a wife’s loving and concerned stroking of her husband’s head, doctors operating for free and giving free medicines to needy patients, social workers working the rounds to be of help as much as possible—all these sacrifices give life.

Being super-human, that is, to be more than we usually or comfortably are, for the sake of an-other is the divine working in and thru us. There might just be truth in the biblical verse saying that we were created in the image and likeness of God. When we love, care, and show concern, we go beyond our humanity and reflect God.

God is still here, in this bleak situation, after all. He is in all of us, working thru us. We have the responsibility to further care for and give life to creation amidst the culture of death surrounding us. Wow! I think he just answered my questions, pointing to me and saying: “You are there for a reason!”

In addition to this, I also have my own rich and sure deposit of God-experiences I am able to withdraw from whenever my faith is challenged. Even though I have been shaken by what I have seen (so far) in PGH, I am able to hold on firmly, though not without any struggles, to my God’s faithful and indomitable love, firm enough to share the same conviction to the patients I visit.

And so it is still rational to hope and trust the God of life, despite contrary and conclusive evidence that leads me to believe otherwise.

I’ll sing thru my pain
Angrily or aching
Crying or complaining
This is my song
I’ll sing it with love

"The intersubjective relation is a non-symmetrical relation. In this sense, I am responsible for the Other without waiting for reciprocity, were I to die for it. Reciprocity is his affair."

(Ethics and Infinity, 98)

to immortalize one’s thoughts in writing…
is one’s greatest contribution to humanity…
to share what is in our heart of hearts…
is to lead an-other to his…

—
Di maiiwasan na magtulungan tayo sa larangan ng
pag-uunawa. Nagsasabog tayo ng liwanag at dilim.
Mabuting unawain ang pag-uunawa nang matuto
tayong mangilatis sa liwanag at dilim, at nang
mapagsikapan nating magsabog ng liwanag sa abot
ng ating kaya. Marami ang tulong na maidudulot
natin sa isa’t isa sa larangan ng pag-uunawa.

Roque Ferriols, SJ