cpe week two reflection
Hospital of our Souls. Now I understand why CPE is done in the hospital context. Aside from providing the atmosphere conducive for intensive processing and the raw data needed for such activity, there is a subtle parallelism between what we do to the patients and what is done to us by our classmates and our "head surgeon." The conference room where we stay in the Chaplaincy is the operating table where we lay down our very selves, our naked and truest selves, to be examined and treated. The only difference is that there is no anesthesia this time and the operating table can feel very cold. It is, in fact, very very painful.
But though this is the case, the predominant feeling in me is more of gratitude. First, because we are given the opportunity to finally treat the wounds life has inflicted upon us; second, because there are people who generously and genuinely care enough to waste time and energy to look at us, to help us; third, because we are empowered, little by little, to pick up our stretchers and walk; and fourth, because of grace abounding—God making himself present, wanting to be in the picture of our healing process.
A Faith that moves Mountains. All the while I thought processing just involved me and my psyche, and that God will only come in during the long retreat. But I realize this past week that this God does not like being left out. He wants to know every single detail and the latest updates about me. And not only know, but actually be there with and for me every step of this painful way. He wants me to feel that he is beside me. That’s how much he gives a damn.
And yet, my faith in his changing love and power is still lacking. Given the issues that came out during my first processing (I’m completely clueless what else will come out in the following ones), I felt I was a hopeless case—that even God cannot do anything about me. But I realized the patients were teaching me concretely what faith in God really means and what it takes. Through the very true stories of their lives and struggles, they have been teaching me all this while to trust in him with all of my heart. Na itaya ang lahat lahat, ang buhay at ang bukas, sa gitna ng kawalan ng anumang pag-asa, dahil may tiwala—na karapat-dapat siyang pagkatiwalaan. Their faith has moved mountains, and that invites me to believe that my faith can move the mountains of my weaknesses too. And I’m sure that he has something to do about this realization too! What love!
Haunting Issues. But journeying with God does not guarantee an easy and smooth sailing journey. Still, personal issues continued to be triggered this past week. I felt hurt and robbed when four of my Ward 8 patients were suddenly no longer in their beds. I felt there was no closure, that they needed to hear my goodbye. But that is not the case. They don’t need me to say goodbye to them. Life goes on for them even without me. I am dispensable. To complement this are some fresh Ward 3 rejections and patients’ low energy towards me. I forget that they are not there for me. I am there for them.
Chin up! This somehow encapsulates the beauty of CPE processing for me. Not really to be proud that I am wounded and limited, but to move my chin up and to look towards the heavens, to look up to God and offer my present self, good and bad. For it is only through his loving eyes that we can appreciate, see and claim the beauty of our lives (despite appearances). Only by realizing that we are loved can we move on meaningfully through life. And when we know we are loved, isn’t the world just a damn good place to live in. Everything changes when we know we are loved. I know I am.
August 31st, 2006 at 12:20 am
Wow naman! What a deep and profound reflection…. Keep it coming Jayvee… God bless!