a celebration of life, love and humanity…

What to say? When even one religious experience is simply beyond all telling. And yet, kailangan pa ring sabihin ang masasabi.

Stranger God. My retreat started on the wrong foot. On the eve of the long retreat, I learned that my mom just underwent an emergency operation, and that the uterus they removed from her was cancerous. I would enter the retreat not only with all the dread, uncertainty and fears associated with this disease, but worse, with a God who all of sudden became a stranger to me—someone I suddenly did not know anymore. How was I supposed to spend the next 30 days, 5 hours a day, with this stranger God?

But just like anything wrong or ugly that has been touched and embraced by God, my retreat turned out o be quite all right, and oh so beautiful!

Two Roles. In my contemplations, I would take on two major roles. First as the jealous, insecure, and affirmation/affection-seeker childhood friend of Jesus (whom he left with Mary in Galilee for his public ministry), and second, as a complainer and conditional disciple named John—both exhibiting quite accurately my most deep-seated issues and wounds. Both were self-preoccupied, self-absorbed, leaving them unable to give and love genuinely.

By accompanying Jesus, John the disciple would be formed. After being scolded at by Jesus before the calming of the storm, he would eventually learn how to follow without condition and do things with love. In the passion, he would transform from a coward and self-preserving person to someone courageous enough to stand up for he whom he loved. The childhood friend would however be a different story. I was content and confident to finish my retreat as the formed and re-formed John. May nangyari kasi sa kanya e! But to my surprise, during the resurrection experiences, it would be the issue-laden and deeply-wounded childhood friend who would come into focus with Jesus. The relationship of the two would be the story of my resurrection week.

Fourth Week. Ironically, during this last week of the Exercises that was supposed to filled with intense gladness and rejoicing, I cried a lot—so much so that Eva would question me: Iyak ka ng iyak diyan! Natanggap mo ba ang grasya? Sumagot naman ako: Oo naman! Tears of joy! Yes indeed. The tears were not sorrowful, mournful or heavy. They were tears of deep content and satisfaction, of peace and of overflowing love. Yun bang klase ng iyak na heartwarming! Ang sarap sarap!

When Jesus appeared to this very insecure, possessive and jealous childhood friend, this Jayvee made a scene while fixing the table for dinner. “Hanggang ngayon ba naman sila pa rin ang inaasikaso mo! Paano naman kami! Paano naman ako! Lintik na ministry yan o!” To my surprise, Jesus got angry at me (this was the resurrected Christ ha!) and asked me: “Ano ba talaga ang gusto mong mangyari sa buhay mo Jayvee?” Seeing his frustration at me, I replied: “Hindi ko naman kasalanang ganito ako ha!” He said: “Hindi ko sinasabing kasalanan mo! Tinatanong ko kung anong gusto mong mangyari.” Tapos sinabi ko: “Pagaling ka ng pagaling sa iba diyan, ako di mo mapagaling!” Surprised, he asked with great concern: “Gusto mo ba?” He then opened his arms for an embrace—the invitation to healing. While crying hard, with head bowed down, I ran towards him to embrace him! And he healed me.

During my IC, Eva helped me uncover the reason why I asked for Jesus’ healing. And then it hit me. I did not ask for healing for healing’s sake. I did not ask for healing just for myself. There was really no other reason but because of the fact that my woundedness was already hurting Jesus and affecting our relationship—and I did not want any of that! She told me: di ba nagmahal ka doon? And true enough, I did. Parang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig, nakakakilabot, I saw clearly how the retreat has changed me—kaya ko na unahin yung iba kaysa sa sarili ko. Marunong na ulit akong magmahal—something I thought I was doomed never to learn.

When he was about to ascend, I was already feeling the sadness of being left by him once and for all. I volunteered to his ministry to be one of his disciples. While he was praying over me, some sort of an ordination, deep inside I was telling myself: “I want to remember you! And if this is the only way I can remember you, I will do it with all my heart.” Then I realized that ministry is never just about ministry. I do ministry primarily because by doing it I will be able to remember Jesus. Now, my seminary formation is not just about seminary formation! It is about and for relationship—opportunities to keep the memory of Jesus alive. I choose to love and do good because it enlivens Jesus in my heart. Naaalala ko siya sa bawat akto ng masakit na pagmamahal. Nothing more, nothing less.

Semi-conclusion. How is it possible that in just a month’s time a stranger-God suddenly becomes an immortal beloved? It could only be because of grace! God’s self-giving, God reaching out, running to embrace us at our slightest indication that we want to move closer to Him. And embraced I was! So tightly, yet so tenderly. So real and warm.

And the irony of it all is that, as we give our all to this relationship, we in turn receive much much more. After the breakfast at Lake Tiberias that he so thoughtfully prepared for us, I went to the shore to watch the sunrise. Jesus followed me and joined me to view the spectacle of the horizon. He says: “Ang ganda no?” and I reply: “Ang ganda talaga!” referring really to the beauty of his person and how he has changed my life in relationship. Only to realize, after zooming out of that scene, that he has just fulfilled one of my heart’s deepest longings—two friends watching the sunrise by the shore, mostly in silence but with comfortable assurance of each other’s love and presence, sharing in something beautiful.

Conclusion. What now after the retreat? I still don’t know. I guess I have to live it a day at a time. Kaya ba? My realism questions me. Then I remember those who came before me. I look no farther than my BECmates. Fr. Bong V (fresh from Iloilo), Rev. Kopeck and no less than beadle Rey. I remember them, and I smile. I remember their classmates too, and my smile grows bigger. I smile and tell myself with confident hope: “Kaya naman pala e!” Not without any struggle of course! But realizing too the very act struggling is an act of loving. That being bothered about one’s life is evidence that life is lived with and for someone else and no longer by and for one’s self.

Kaya siguro may testimonial dinner. Para ipaalala sa ating mga nakakalimot ang nangyari sa atin sa long retreat. And so, as early as now, I look forward to the testimonies of a Yon Maybuena or an Evan Napuran around this time next year—to take me back to this night when I testified to all of you (despite possible persecution and amidst all its kabaduyan) that I am in a relationship, and that I love the Lord.

For the college men and lower classmen, no need to wait for the long retreat really to be in a relationship with Jesus. Open your eyes, listen intently to the voice that calls within: “Halika! Halika! Nauunawaan kita. Halika! Halika!” And life would never be the same again. Amen.